Expression Not Repression

We each have a body and we each came from a sexual being.

We are all beings born to express emotions and to connect intimately with others. 

And yet every person I know has their story of shame related to their body, sexuality, or emotional expression.

Often that story is deeply lodged in their body, buried from awareness, but it still plays out at various stages of life as nervous system reactivity, sticky relationship dynamics, and ignoring their body until it breaks down. 

Centuries of repressive conditioning have condemned such natural aspects of being human.

Worship the rational mind and denigrate the savage and impulsive body, they said.

Abstain from emotions, be stoic, and smother your desires, they said.

As a body psychologist, relationship and intimacy therapist, and yoga teacher, I wrote this book to help overturn repression and shame for being the living, expressing, erotic humans that we were born to be.   

I wrote The Pleasure is All Yours to free ourselves from reductionist views that pleasure, sensuality, emotionality, and intimacy are “dirty” words rather than life-giving, regenerative concepts.

We are meant to be embodied—to dance and sing, and cry and care and love, authentically and unapologetically.  

I wrote this book to liberate us from the epidemic of disembodiment and body terrorism (the othering and judging of bodies), through the practice of bodyfulness, and to offer you potent tools to release trauma and stress, self-regulate, and feel the reparative effects of natural pleasures that can inspire collective care.  

It’s time we take back joy in our body and have reverence for this as a life-force energy rather than a sin. Because every body deserves safety, acceptance, and belonging. And every body deserves the pleasures of connection, intuition, rest, play, and intimacy of all kinds. This is bodyfulness, the pathway to receiving life’s pleasures from the body up, and sharing them with others. This is at the heart of my new book, The Pleasure Is All Yours. 

5 Tips for Coping During a Pandemic and Political Throwdown:

There’s no shortage of opinions out there about how to get through this “big squeeze” right now. As a trained professional, I’m compelled to share my own two cents. Call it unprecedented or call it a cluster, either way things are downright hard. If you’re struggling, here’s a succinct list of suggestions:

1. Trade emojis for emotions. You are a human being meant to express feelings. It starts in your body with emotions. Yes, emotions are different from feelings. Emotions arise in your body and it’s your job to learn from them by naming them as feelings and expressing them as you need. You can’t do this if you’re sedentary and staring at a screen all the time. So please stop ignoring your physical emotions and associated mental feelings. That will only make them incubate longer and get louder later. And please stop beating yourself up for being emotional. Your emotions are for emoting, your feelings are for feeling. It’s all energy that wants attention and wants to move through you. Which brings me to #2.

2. Movement is medicine. There are way too many studies to list which all agree that exercise and diverse movement are transformative, having an immediate impact on your mental health. So shake out your nerves. Jog out those spinning thoughts. Stretch out your lingering doubts. Sing out your frustrations. Dance out your agitation. Foam roll out your lethargy. Your body was designed to discharge your stress, not bottle it up. Let me see you move!

3. Look up. Literally. At the sky, at the moon, at the trees. You can gain perspective and re-orient yourself to the present (rather than the time traveling mind) with the horizon, nature and the outdoors. Too much screen time leads to depression and anxiety. We are not meant to be cyborgs! Being in nature reduces these crummy moods and increases compassion and altruism. Which we sure do need more of right now. And that leads me to #4.

4. Choose people over profits. Most of you reading this live under capitalism. It’s been hardwired in us that our value lies in working working working and earning earning earning. Yet we all thrive when we prioritize connecting and caring for each other. Make eye contact, even if you’re wearing a mask. Heck, especially if you’re wearing a mask. Smile with your eyes! And seek out the other sentient beings that make you laugh. Think animal videos, comedians, your partner’s quirks. We have to hang onto our humor amidst the pain. Look for laughter, and sprinkle it into other’s lives as well.

5. Recognize you’ve always been coping with uncertainty. You’re probably better at it than you think. Every day of your life has been out of your control, from the weather to the moody vibe of the grocery store clerk. But you always have influence. You get to decide your response, your perspective and your intention. You also have control over your breath. It’s the one aspect of the autonomic nervous system you can immediately control. It’s pretty potent, people! Start by simply noticing it. Breathe out the mouth and fill up the belly to calm yourself. Let out some deep sighs. As you release vibrational sound, you release muscle tension. Yes, this healing tool has been within you all along, you’ve just been told sighing and grunting weren’t proper. When it comes to healthy somatic release, I say stop being so proper.

These all boil down to two words: stay human. 

We will get through this. How depends on you.

What Could Go Right?

“What could go wrong, Rach?!”

With deadpan humor and her famous wit, my friend Erin asked me this (with a tone implying that in fact much could go wrong). 

It was in reference to the plate of Mexican food put in front of us, which looked more like dog food. 

Given I was on my second margarita, she made me cry with laughter (as this photo shows). 

We surrendered to this spot in the Denver airport to console ourselves after our connecting flight kept getting delayed; being picky wasn’t an option.

This statement popped into my head once again as I stuffed the last container into my crammed car, closed my door and began driving cross country to LA with a plan of…no plan, just go there for a while to learn. 

What could go wrong, Rach?

This time the question wasn’t about something as minor as dodgy Mexican food, but about a major life pivot.

I was really asking myself: what’s the worst that could happen?

It’s the kind of question that could go in different directions. Down one path, fear and apprehension, down another path optimism and adventure. 

In this moment, my mind instantly time-traveled back to three of my most painful life experiences.

Could it be worse than watching my mom disappear into dementia?

Worse than curling myself into a ball, bawling my eyes out in heartache?

Worse than watching my friend almost die in a head-on collision, her life never the same again?

I wasn’t being negative, actually.
My approach was more ‘If-it-doesn’t-kill-you-it-makes-you-stronger.’

We live long enough and we all have our list.
The gut wrenching moments… the disappointments…the betrayals… the loss…

And although it’s easier to forget, we also have our blissful moments…
the pleasant surprises…the good fortune… the sweet gratitude... 

Just like children strengthen their immune system by getting sick in their youth, we all strengthen our resolve by surviving, and growing from, what ‘went wrong’ in our past.

Driving into the (literal) fog that afternoon I was a woman in my 40s not my 20s. And the benefit of lived experience is you know you’ve survived some serious BS and gotten through, ideally a little more tender and stronger.

So what’s the worst that could happen with my un-plan of moving to CA for a while?* 

That’s the mystery. 

I’m going to choose to focus on what’s the best that could happen. 

Just as my stomach survived the Mexican food, I survived the road trip and settling into Venice Beach.
I’m delighted to still work with my clients over the comfort & flexibility of phone and video, explore new professional opportunities within mind-body medicine & relationship therapy, and get back to writing that damn book. 

As for more specifics, as David Bowie said,
“I don’t know where I’m going, but I promise it won’t be boring.”

*I don’t know how long. I’ll keep you posted.

Digital Detox

"Nothing works, but everything works out."
- Dr. Michele Ritterman

Recently my life was suddenly ripped out of my hands.

At least that’s how it felt. But it was just my iphone. 

JUST the portal to my texts, emails, phone calls, camera, social media,
payment apps, pictures, music, maps, translator and calendar. No big deal. 

One minute I was chatting on the phone in a quaint Buenos Aires neighborhood
and the next minute I was disconnected from my “life.” 

I wish I could say those 2 weeks without my phone were a lovely digital detox (2 weeks because it’s no small feat to replace an iphone in Argentina)
but instead I felt intermittent waves of loss... like I was missing an appendage.

Who knew this 5 pound, barely 6 x 3 inch apparatus
could have such control over me
and feel like my link to the world? 

The addiction is REAL — or in the very least, the dependency.
The sad reality is that so much literal face time goes to an electronic device,
instead of others, ourselves, and sights around us. 

So I tried to get comfortable with the uncomfortable and let go.
After all, it’s been said 'the best things in life… aren’t things.'

If you feel out of balance, like you're becoming a cyborg...
your phone an outgrowth of your flesh 
consider taking an intentional digital detox and
grab one of the last remaining spots on my Jan retreat!

But if you are going to be on your devices,
consider using them to expand your consciousness, to grow and learn. 

I'm now going in the direction of more phone and video sessions AND 

I'm thrilled to announce 2 new online courses: 

The Basics of Bodyfulness: A Masterclass for Healers/Therapists/Coaches 

and The Pleasure is All Yours: Reclaiming Vitality

Let's TUNE-IN and flourish together!

Me on “vacation” a few years ago… what’s wrong with this picture?!

Watch my TEDx talk!

“So I’m here to tell you that the path to peace is right there,
when you want to get away."
~ Pema Chödrön

Over 6 months after taking the stage, 
my straightforward (yet slightly controversial) TEDx talk is finally out on YouTube.
And although this is a talk about body-mind health helping you feel more pleasure in your life, the underlying theme is about mental health treatment being broken in our country.

I explain how we look outside of ourselves for comfort instead of trusting and utilizing our own inner tools to feel good. Like Pema says in her quote above, what we need to feel the ease we so crave actually lies within us.

What I’m saying is so basic yet we’ve made it complicated: we trust pharmaceuticals over our body’s rhythms, potions over our own breath and gadgets over eye contact with one another.

And this disregard for the wisdom of our body and the importance of human connection is costing us billions of dollars and lost lives.
What if we lived in a world where conventional medicine accepted just how powerful movement therapies are to mental health and began to integrate it with traditional methods?
It’s intrinsic yet there is resistance; there are people with investments in the status quo who fear change.
So really this talk is political.
Just as it took 5000 years for us to scientifically “prove” meditation makes a difference and decades for us to believe in its cousin, mindfulness, with more research and testimonials I hope there will be a time when we view bodyfulness as essential to our healing, vitality and connection to one another.

I know this can help people and help heal a sick society, so I’ll continue to spread this message
of bringing pleasure to the people!

Let's Stick Together

When you hear the word biffy, if you’re not from the Midwest chances are you might think it refers to a small rodent, like a beaver (‘Look at that furry biffy run up the tree!’) 

or that it’s slang for falling on your face (‘I took quite the biffy coming down that ski slope’). 

But in the North woods of Minnesota where I first remember encountering one, a biffy refers to a little wooden outhouse with a hole to do your business in, like an earthier port-o-potty.  

As a 14 year-old new to biffies, one day at summer camp near the Canadian border, I used one then stood up, turned around, and accidentally glimpsed inside as I lowered the lid. 

Horrified at the sight, in true pre-teen fashion I squealed and jumped back a couple feet, only to be confronted with a different type of terror: something accosting the back of my hair. 

I kept turning around to figure out what it could be??

Unbeknownst to me, all that circling was like cotton candy swirling onto a paper cone,  giving me a hair weave of fly tape. 

Yes, sticky as hell fly tape. Huge dead flies and all.

I busted out of there so quick, the remainder of its roll still attached to my head.
(Oh and did I mention this was Day 1 of camp and I didn’t know the other girls in my group?  Yep, that’s how you make a first impression.)

Fortunately, a couple of my fellow campers wisely thought to rub copious amounts of peanut butter and butter throughout my thick hair to get it out. And eventually I was fly-tape free. 

Best part of all?

They remain among my very closest friends to this day. 

Yep, peanut butter and butter through my long locks… pictured here Julie and Molly. Not pictured but very much involved was Shawna

You never know how or when you’re going to meet a new friend, new role model or new soul mate.

That’s part of the mystery.

But it’s not going to happen if we don’t put down our screens and make eye contact with each other, and the world in front of us.

(Just don’t make eye contact with the depth of a biffy hole.)

We live in a time where people struggle to feel truly connected.

The entrapments of social media, a lack of work-life balance, and widespread political and environmental unrest has led us to feel lonelier than ever. 

We’re also more guarded than ever for fear of being unfriended, cyber-bullied, or ghosted.

This is why I’ll continue to foster a sense of community and bring people together… whether it be a disconnected couple in my therapy office, a group of women at a studio for an evening of straight-talk about relationships and their mind-body health, or a wellness retreat at the ocean, we need to keep gathering, IRL. (in real life, as the kids like to say)

Face to face. Eye to eye.

Sure it can feel a little out of your comfort zone to make that first call to a therapist…

attend that seminar on a topic you’ve never talked about publicly…

or join that international retreat with strangers, 

BUT you never know when a future lifelong friend will emerge with the perfect remedy.

Let’s strengthen our connections… like insects to fly-tape, let’s stick together.

Show Them What Crazy Can Do

Whoa, I may have never loved a TV commercial more.
Nike, you have upped the game. 

The athlete in me loves it. 
The feminist in me loves it. 
The rebel in me loves it. 
The emotionally expressive me loves it.

For me this video is about forgetting 
the herd mentality, getting gritty,
and being unapologetically you -
no matter your gender, passion or capabilities.

Serena Williams narrates:
"So if they want to call you crazy, fine.
Show them what crazy can do."

It's also about reclaiming the word crazy
and the way it's tossed around to describe strong women. 

If being crazy means living life as if it matters,
then I don't mind being completely insane.
- Kate Winslet

Human to human...priceless

Some people would rather poke their eyes out than engage in public speaking. Me, on the other hand, I relish it! It's more than sharing my message related to relationships, intimacy, pleasure, overcoming trauma and the power of the mind-body connection, it's about getting to meet YOU --  hear your your stories, insights, questions and learn from you as well.
In an era where socializing constitutes zoning out on social media for an hour, the chance to connect with you, human to human, is priceless. 
Yes, I am a people person. Which is why it's not surprising I don't have the same kind of natural fluidity as I begin recording episodes for my forthcoming YouTube channel (but hey I'm getting better). Give me live, breathing, unpredictable, beautifully nuanced humans over a video camera any day. 

Thank you to ModernWell and The Coven for recently having me to their beautiful collaborative-workspaces for some straight-up real talk.

I look forward to speaking at three more locations this fall before I embark on a mini winter sabbatical to present at the US Association for Body Psychotherapy conference in Santa Barbara, followed by a work-study at the stunning  Esalen Institute on the cliffs of Big Sur.
 Let's rendezvous at one of these events before I head off to California
(and later to my delectable Belize retreat):

1) Yoga Sanctuary Sept. 15th -  "Embody Your Sacred Power" - cultivate a personal practice of balanced self-empowerment, something we need now more than ever amidst our political climate (now sold out, waitlist available)
2) mXe Studio October 25th - "The Pleasure Is All Mine: Embody Your Sexual Vitality" - because it's your birthright, you deserve it, and you weren't taught how to
3) Kula Yoga October 28th - "Yoga to Enhance Intimate Relationships" - because as humans we are here to learn what love is

Are We All Alone, Together?

When you imagine what could cause you premature death, you probably think of cancer, obesity, perhaps something random like a car accident…

(Sidenote: for me, I suspected it would be from choking, ever since I threw back too many Skittles while at the movies in college and had to get the Heimlich maneuver from a friend.)

But do you think of loneliness? 

Probably not. Yet it can be deadly.

One comprehensive study found that the impact of social isolation, living alone and loneliness can lead to risk of early mortality, on par with factors like obesity and smoking. 

There’s social isolation — literally being cut off from others due to factors like geography, disability, stigma, but inner feelings of loneliness are less obvious; you could have thousands of social media followers and still feel estranged, heavy with feelings of separateness.

And this phenomenon is on the rise; research shows people are lonelier than ever. 

What’s happening here?

Sure more people are independent and living alone, or choosing to not live with their partner, but also more people are busy, scattered, and disconnected from their own self-care, which can include not tending to important relationships. 

Trends I see: 

Those partnered with children prioritize the kids over their relationship (with their partner AND friends) more today compared to past generations. So although they’re technically “together,” they feel more like distant roommates. 

Those who are un-partnered are caught in the multitude of online dating choices a swipe away, but have learned to reside in a place called stable ambiguity, because this allows them to stay connected *just enough* to be in touch (giving them options), but still maintain their freedom (and limit their vulnerability). 

Where is the depth?  

These are complicated topics which each deserve their own book, but for now I will say:

The truth is we are all alone, in the existential sense of the word. 

The truth is also that we are profoundly interdependent people. 

Ultimately, the quality of our relationships determine the quality of our life.

This goes beyond liking someone’s post on social media to actually letting yourself be known, and wanting to know another more deeply. In the book, The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessons From the World's Happiest People, Dan Beuttner found that the happiest people on the planet have at least a few cherished friends, the kind they can call in the middle of the night from jail. (Ok, so he didn’t say the jail part, but you get the point.) 

These are the people you keep it real with. They’re the real 100.

For me, loneliness shows up from time to time like a dull ache in my gut or a little hole in my heart. This felt experience informs my work helping people feel supported, to feel like they’re not the only one. I’m particularly interested in helping individuals and couple's be acknowledged and supported in what feels most taboo or shameful within.

It may be easier to stay home and distract from the difficulties you have in a relationship because it keeps you feeling “safe” in the moment but sooner or later it catches up with you.

Which is why I have so much respect for my clients and event participants, and really anyone who engages in personal growth to work on their relationships— whether it be with themselves, their family, their partner or the partner they wish they had. It takes strength to confront your relationship patterns and courage to engage with it. 

Beyond mere survival, the connection that comes from genuine relationships can be a tool to reach a higher potential within. They offer you a channel for spiritual growth in your everyday life, without requiring you to trek to Tibet and live with the monks. 

Invest in your relationships. 

I’m here to help. 

After all, your life depends on it.

Staying Connected

It has taken me longer than I intended to reach out about the closing of the Yoga Center of Minneapolis, where I’ve long taught yoga workshops and held my therapy practice,
because I was unable to obtain my 8+ years of contacts.
Uff-da.
...but if you're reading this it means we've found each other.

In all my years of working at The Dharma Wellness and Spa — which is comprised of several wellness practitioners who have rented from the yoga center but operated their own separate businesses—
I’ve bonded with staff and yoga teachers who feel like family,
been touched by amazing clients whom I will never forget,
and leaned into the kind of spiritual depth I could have never imagined
prior to setting foot upon that space. 

I’m here to tell you that for now I am still at the same location at
4200 Minnetonka Blvd. in St Louis Park, as are most of the wellness center practitioners.

To quote a wise co-worker: 

…the solidarity of the practitioners in that wellness center space — who have remained together and are still standing — is powerful. The only thing that is left there is us. We have been the heart of that space, despite our near invisibility. We are moving forward creating the environment that we always deserved.

We remain there together and continue to believe in the power of mind-body health, of right intention and operating from our hearts to help promote vitality and alleviate distress.
We are still here for you. Here’s how to find us:

For scheduling, we can now be found at MYTCWELLNESS in Schedulicity Online Booking

If you click on this link, search for MYTCWELLNESS and look for Dr. Rachel Allyn, or one of the 5 other phenomenal practitioners. This is where you will find our services and schedule availability. 

This mailing list will still keep you updated on my retreats, workshops/seminars and other pop-up events.

Please reach out with any questions or concerns. 
I appreciate feedback and cherish being connected to each of you,
NO MATTER where on the globe we happen to be!

My aerial silk...

one of my favorite things about my office.

Being Unapologetically You

Listen to Andrea Claassen's interview of me on her Peaceful Power Podcast. We discussed my path to becoming a mind-body therapist, as well as yoga therapy, self-care, body positivity and being unapologetically you. Check it out here:

Let's Talk About Sex

“The heart has reasons of which the mind knows nothing.”

~ French philosopher Pascal

While getting my PhD in San Francisco (which seems like ages ago), I had an interest in gender studies and sex therapy. After graduate school, I continued to learn and work with clients around issues of gender, sexuality, sex, and relationships but I also shifted and put more of my energy into learning about body-oriented therapies such as yoga and somatic experiencing. Years later when I moved back to the Midwest and started my private practice, I was more outspoken about my emphasis on mind-body and holistic psychology, while sex therapy took a backseat. Eventually I was able to reflect and confront myself: ‘If you truly believe in promoting people’s sexual health, why didn't you name that in an outright way and speak more overtly about the importance of sex therapy when you opened your practice?’ Although now these interests have been integrated together in my business, it's interesting how my subconscious fears of judgement silenced me at the time. 

Since I didn't do it as fully back then, let me speak a little louder now -- my work as a therapist is personal, just as any artist or writer connects their everyday life to their craft. But even more importantly, my work as a therapist is political. A healthy therapist is aware of what their politics are. With the state of politics being what it is right now, no one in my field can afford to sit back and be a spectator. It’s time to stand up for what you believe in, even if you think you might be judged or lose a potential client. So I will continue to speak on topics that might be uncomfortable for some, because shame thrives on silence and I'm here to combat shame.

To that end, I believe in reducing people’s shame around sex and their bodies, so we can show up for one another with inner peace, vitality and authenticity. I want to support you in who you love, how you love and what gives you healthy pleasure, which is your birthright. And I want to spread this message beyond the confines of my therapy office to the public, where the conversation also needs to happen  - whether it be pop up events like the one I’m hosting with Flirt Boutique on September 28th, or workshops in studios like the one I’m teaching on October 28th at Open Minds Fusion Studio. Plan to see more events, workshops, and writing from me on this topic. Because too many people are stuck, guilted, afraid, or ashamed of something within them that is a primal, natural, potent part of being human. 

Do It For the Love

When there's a big disappointment we don't know if that's the end of the story.
It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. ~ Pema Chödrön

Last May I embarked on the trip of a lifetime to Bali, spending one of my weeks there on a yoga retreat led by musician Michael Franti and yoga teacher Seane Corn. It was a last minute decision but considering it was my favorite musician + favorite yoga teacher + favorite country = no brainer! 
Plus, I really needed to feel reinvigorated and my time at Michael's retreat center, Soulshine, did just the trick.
Listen to my brief interview with Michael to hear his tips for preventing burn-out. (His last suggestion certainly rings true for me!) And even better -- meet Michael for yourself at a yoga class I'm coordinating this Friday August 18th when he comes to town! Your donation will go to his "Do It For the Love" Foundation, providing live music experiences to those going through challenging times. With everything going on politically these days, we can all stand to do it for the love, living from our hearts as much as possible. 

Pleasure Is the Measure

“Pleasure is a beautiful word. That s in the middle, pronounced like the z in azure, a word favored by lyric poets, gives a little thrill to the mouth.” ~  William Safire

Since my rebranding last fall, I have added the title pleasure expert to describe my focus as a holistic psychologist, sex therapist and yoga teacher. Understandably, people have asked me, at times with a smirk, “What exactly does that mean?” (It has been interesting to notice that when you transition from the concept of happiness to pleasure, a naughtier vibe is insinuated.) 

For starters, I’m here to help you feel more pleasure in your work, life, and relationships. This extends beyond pleasure in the bedroom, but does not exclude something as essential and primal as our sensual and sexual health. 

As a pleasure expert I help you slow down, listen, and recall what actually makes you feel joy.* What makes you glow, laugh, feel inspired, feel riveted, silly and free. As a somatic psychologist, I know most of this healing can be found within our own body.

I’m here to help you understand what prevents and blocks this. To be an expert in pleasure, you must first be intimately familiar with pain. It is pain that thwarts pleasure. By confronting my own darkness, and working with my client’s for the past 16 years, I’m well aware the barriers to feeling pleasure. 

 ~ Some of these barriers to pleasure are beyond our control...

Like the time I was surfing on a family trip to Baja, Mexico last winter. (I find surfing both pleasurable AND an activity on the verge of demoralizing, given it’s so challenging!) On this particular day, the pleasure I felt on my board was abruptly shattered when someone else’s board crashed into my ribs, breaking one. In an instant, pleasure was transformed into shock and crippling pain — which continued unabated for several weeks. Other barriers to pleasure beyond our control include past trauma (chronic or isolated) or other abuses including neglect. (To name a few, this barely scratches the surface.)

Hospital in Todos Santos post rib breakage. 

Pleasure can be taken from us in an instant, it is fleeting. Like a surfboard to a rib, such opposing experiences of pleasure and pain can crash against one another. Which is why we should not get overly attached to chasing one and avoiding the other.  

~ Some barriers to pleasure are due to our own self-imposed limitations...

Many associate pleasure with guilt. They won’t grant themselves pleasure unless they have bent over backwards, toiled away, gone above and beyond, exerted blood, sweat and tears…and even then they might only allow themselves a morsel, lest they “indulge.” Or perhaps they maintain so much willpower for so long that their body finally bursts and they binge on it! 

To them I ask the question: Who taught you that pleasure wasn’t your birthright? The answer is always loaded —parents, teachers, religion, sexism, culture, intergenerational influences…  

Those who have denied themselves pleasure need a pleasure expert to help them realize they deserve it. I might also ask this client the question: When is the last time you played?

There are those with a tendency to over-indulge and constantly chase pleasure as a way to avoid, numb, run and hide from their pain. They need a pleasure expert to help them realize the importance of balance and boundaries around it. This includes asking clients the question: When is the last time you confronted and learned from your discomfort, rather than distracted from it?

~ Where is the balance?

Let us seek pleasure for the sake of being awake to all we can receive from the world, not to persistently avoid the inevitable suffering that is also essential to the human experience. Yes, it’s a fine balance. 

The seeds of pleasure are safety and security. Add soil and you feel grounded and present. Sprinkle in water and you feel ease and vitality. Soak up the sun and there is the kind of growth that allows you to connect to your purpose and feel loving kindness for yourself and others. This is when we’re most receptive to giving and receiving pleasure.

I’m here to reconnect you to that part of yourself who danced as a kid without caring what people thought, ate with your hands like a 2 year old shoving birthday cake into your mouth, and laughed with such giddiness you snorted a little. That part of you who isn’t so self-conscious and buttoned-up all the time. That part of you who listens to your internal wants, needs, desires and drives, and mindfully reaches out to manifest them, because they are yours for the taking. 

So if you are pleasure-starved I am here to help you reclaim it. If you pleasure-saturated I’m here to help you release your grasping. 

Find balanced pleasure in --

your relationship with food

your body

your sense of purpose

your relationship with a beloved

your relationship to your sensuality

your relationship to your sexuality.

... And the pleasure will be all mine to help you get there!

*You might be wondering, what’s the difference between joy, happiness and pleasure? As I define it, joy is found within ourselves and often can have a spiritual component. Happiness is found from our perception of external circumstances. Pleasure is that cherry on top, felt within our entire being at the sensory level = a full body experience.

Winter Solstice

When I am happy for too long I become lazy. Not my physical self but my spiritual, existential self. The compassion-for-the world’s-suffering self gets complacent. After all, who has time to ponder that heaviness when there’s stand up paddle boarding and happy hours on patios to be had?

My blog post at the summer solstice — when I talked about my love for nighttime bike commuting and calculated risk — as compared to my essay now as we hit the winter solstice, exemplifies my current pendulum swing. I have gone from blissed out to blah’ed out. Thankfully, as Rilke says, “no feeling is final.”

My current crankiness has forced me back, at first kicking and screaming, to my more curious and tender self; that part of me who knows I can’t hide from my discomfort. Texting or shopping or Netflixing or eating will not make it go away. Those are just temporary false refuges.

So it’s back to school time. Gotta go inward. Happy hour on the patio will return eventually. Now is the time to read from my favorite spiritual teachers, listen to Pema Chodron, write in my journal, and take more yin yoga. Time to delve back into the RAIN method of relating to my feelings: Recognizing what I’m feeling, Allowing it in, Investigating what it means, and finding Nonattachment or Nonidentification with it, because this crud does not define who I am. It is simply a messenger that something within needs attention. 

    “But it felt so good to indulge in frivolity and distract from your sh*t!” 

- says the impulsive, pleasure centers of my mind

    “But you can’t run and hide any longer with your frolicking. Things are falling apart: Trump will be president, your heart feels broken, and the sun sets at 4:30pm (if there even is sun that day).” 

    - says my gut

All the playing and indulgence had its time and place, but now its time to indulge in learning from my doldrums. This darkness helps keep me real. It circles me back to my shadow. Although I sometimes hate this humbling reality check, it has traditionally helped me cultivate empathy for myself and all the others in the world who are feeling the same way. It’s the darkness that helps me love the human condition and the way we’re doing the best we can, in our own goofy ways. It’s this darkness that helps me feel proud of the way I let myself love fully and let myself be vulnerable, no matter the outcome.

It’s December in MN. We’re in survival mode. We’re sleepy. But these can also be the moments that awaken us.

Time to do the work and connect to our wise and weird and raw emotional selves.

Because soon enough it will be spring. And when it is you’ll see me raising a glass on the patio and toasting farewell to the darkness! 

For now.

Escape the Rat Race

Bangkok at 2am: It was a budget motel room we rented above a discotheque. I returned there with friends and despite my exhaustion couldn’t sleep amidst the thumping beats below me. In lieu of earplugs I did what any tipsy 23 year-old might do — reached into my backpack for the remains of a baguette, scrunched two chunks into little pieces and voilà — homemade ear plugs! I felt smug as I drifted off to drunk-sleep. It wasn’t long before I felt something else delighting in my brilliant plan.

A rat. Feasting from my ear.

I leapt up and shook it off, literally, only to find myself completely unable to sleep the rest of the night. To this day my stomach feels slightly queasy as I recount it. Because let’s face it, that’s disgusting. (It’s like the 80s song lyric, “One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble…”)

This is among the more random of my travel experiences. There are many other memories, some that have left me awestruck, some that are simply gross. No others involve such intimacy with rodents, fortunately.

There isn’t a trip I wouldn’t do all over again (granted, if I went back to Bangkok I’d sure want to upgrade my accommodations) because compared to my daily life at home, when it comes to travel I can go with the flow. I delight in taking the good with the bad, the glorious with the gritty, because I love to explore. It makes me feel alive. Some call it wanderlust.

I think of the expansiveness in this world around us. I don’t want to be sheltered, shielded or unaware from what exists beyond my own little bubble. For me, international travel is a portal to understanding the ways we are exquisitely different from others and the ways we are all connected at the human level.

On a more individual level, travel has the potential to be a fast track towards transformation. I’ve seen it in others and felt it firsthand. Whether I was participating in a retreat or leading one, I’ve seen people soften and return home to their best selves, to parts of themselves that got lost in the shuffle of the rat race back home. They frolic, connect, rediscover. They reunite with their laughter, their bodies, their presence, and their best intentions to maintain that inner glow as they return home.

You’ve probably heard of FOMO =  fear of missing out. Then there is the opposite, what I call FOLA = fear of living adventurously. Somewhere in between is that sweet spot where we confront the fear or the excuses and we lean in.

Reside in that fearless and curious heart, and the beauty of the world will meet you there.

Just be sure to pack earplugs.

{What will it take for you invest in your self? Space remains in my two upcoming retreats this winter!}

Get Your Freak On

All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.

~ Michael Franti

Why did I wait so long to let my freak flag fly*?

Those who’ve known me for a long time may beg to differ, thinking ‘Rachel, you’ve always been a goofball.’ And while that’s true, I’ve felt regret for all those years I didn’t fully embrace who I was. But now in my life, I am unabashedly me.

I’m unapologetic about the fact that…

I am someone who prefers to smile and give a bow with my hands at my heart than give a handshake when being introduced to someone.

I am someone who loves karaoke and chooses to believe that my enthusiasm for the song makes up for my lack of vocal talent.

I am someone who bike commutes in wedge sandals and a sundress and doesn’t care if I arrive sweaty to my fancy destination.

What are your quirks that you aren’t going to hide or apologize for?

Now I GET that being different is harder to embrace when it goes deeper, when it feels like the core of your identity, as compared to something more lighthearted like a quirk. Or when it feels like everyone else around you in your community is the same, except you.

It took me a long time to embrace and respect myself for the fact that…

I am someone who ultimately did not feel called to have children, and instead believe my path is to be a caregiver in a different manner – helping to alleviate the suffering of those who seek me as their therapist or yoga teacher. 

I am someone who believes in and supports untraditional relationships of all kinds, and has never been into labels for myself or others.

I am someone who talks frankly about taboo topics whether it be sexuality or depression or divorce, and this sometimes makes people uncomfortable.

I’ve been told I don’t seem like I’m from the Midwest. Too direct, too single, too childless, too brazen… too much this, too little that.  And I’ve come to the point in my life in which all I can say is, THANK YOU. Thank you universe for providing me with all the ways I’ve felt included, cradled, and supported. And yet thank you for all the times I’ve felt a little different, misunderstood or separate; this has helped give me perspective, gratitude, and a gravitational pull towards the underdog.

I don’t know where my quirkiness will take me. I don’t know if I’ll lose my home, my business, or worse, my mind to Alzheimers someday. But I know that my soul feels more content because I’m living true to myself. I’m not hiding, pretending, or shutting down. I’m honest about my light and my dark, my peaks and my face plants. (Oh and face planting I have done, believe you-me. And it will happen again.)

At the end of your days your soul doesn’t care whether you succeeded or failed. It only cares whether you lived life your way. That you lived YOUR life. Not the life you think you are supposed to live. Or the life your parents wanted you to live. The world does not need more people being fake or phony or imitating (not to mention it can be personally exhausting). The world needs more people who stand up, be seen, and let their light shine.

{…And with that I’ll leave you with a short video of me standing up – onstage, that is – with one of my favorite singers, Michael Franti. I didn’t care how I looked, how sweaty I was, or that I was about to fall off the edge in front of hundreds of people, I only cared about enjoying him and that spirited summer night.)

Don’t postpone letting your freak flag fly.  Radically accept and display who you are — quirks, goofiness, bad karaoke singing and all. I want to be with the real you.

Micahel Franti concert, St. Paul Jazz Festival June 2016 - Video by Lisa Venticinque.

*A characteristic, mannerism, or appearance of a person, either subtle or overt, which implies unique, eccentric, creative, adventurous or unconventional thinking.

Love is the Answer

We can live our daily lives

in such a way that every act

becomes an act of love. 

~ thich nhat hanh

Since my last mailing over a month ago I’ve enjoyed an unbelievable summer. Swimming at night under a full moon, stand-up paddle boarding at sunset, dancing to music in the mountains, and connecting playfully with new friends and old. I stand in gratitude and awe at the beauty around me. I stand in gratitude for the privilege in my life that allows me these opportunities and feeling safe to frolic in the world.

Since my last mailing there have also been events in the world that have led me to feel outraged, sick to my stomach and downright discouraged.

Life is full of complexity. Like the fact that it’s possible to feel both joy and sadness at the same time. We can experience our life at polar ends of the spectrum and everything in between, all in moment. This is something I know how to deal with, personally and professionally. What I don’t know how to deal with is being a bystander to injustice around me.

I am dedicated to being an agent of change. I am dedicated to helping end this epidemic of violence, the best I know how.

For now I simply share this –

To my brothers and sisters who experience systemic oppression, discrimination, judgement and any form of hatred based on race, sexuality, class, gender, religion and beyond, I send love.

To my brothers and sisters who are profiled, held back or live in fear, I send love.

To my brothers and sisters who work as civil servants, committed to bringing safety and justice to our communities, I send love.

Philando Castile went to my high school, albeit years after I graduated. He was pulled over and killed weeks ago close to the house I grew-up in, on a street I drove down nearly every day. Things have hit close to home for me more than ever. I sit here with feelings on each end of the spectrum: feeling distraught about what happened yet also feeling renewed energy to do more to stop these tragic events.

Let’s not wait until something happens in our backyard to be shaken and reawakened.

Let’s no longer be complacent. The time is now to spread peace, justice, love, compassion and connection.

{Listen to this song “Love is the Answer” by Aloe Blacc. Love his message, love his voice.}

Live With a Little Abandon

I love the summer solstice…the long days, the outdoor time, the smells, the activities in my community and the potential of summer as it lays before me.

One of my favorite summer activities is bike commuting. I’m not hard core enough to bike the other 9 months of the year, but in the summer I soak it up. Plus, Minneapolis is an amazing bike city.

Last summer there were reports of bikers on the greenway getting mugged at night. Friends have suggested I avoid riding my bike home from work after dark. This distressed me for multiple reasons.

But I’ve decided my nighttime ride is a meaningful ritual and I cannot bear to give it up.

This is because it’s a moment to feel free and live with a little abandon.

With the troubles of the day behind me, I hop on my old mountain bike. It allows me to jump on and off curbs or little trails, as if I’m back in my Utah days. I make my way down the greenway and along the lakes, breathing in the nighttime air, feeling the wind in my hair, seeing the lights reflected in the stillness of the water, and playing my favorite tunes on my iPod (my summer 2016 mix just might be my best yet). I know I should wear a helmet and I know I should not play music. But I persist at times anyway because I love it so. (A quick note to my nephew Henry if you are reading this: I typically do wear a helmet and by the way you should always wear a helmet.)

Given last summer’s crimes on the greenway, my decision to keep biking reminded me of the Take Back the Night movement. More than the title of a Justin Timberlake song, Take Back the Night began in the 1970s as a way to protest all forms of sexual, relationship and domestic violence. I participated in a Take Back the Night march during college and it made an impression up me.

Perhaps my nighttime biking escapade is my way of taking back the night. I’m not going to give up something I love because it could be risky. Heck, anytime we get out of bed we take a risk. We also take a risk if we choose to stay under the covers.

I’m cautious when need be. I have brighter lights on my bike, I play my music a little quieter and I typically wear my helmet, despite my hair wanting nothing more than to blow in the wind.

But sometimes, with intention, I don’t do what is safest. And it makes me feel alive.

It’s okay to want to live on the edge a little. There are plenty of ways to break free from your doldrums, to liberate yourself and have fun, if you give yourself permission. These activities might reawaken something inside of you that’s been lost.

Reclaim your right to space and the joys in your life. What are you waiting for?

Most Sensual Moment

We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings.

– Audre Lorde

When I am socializing I am “off the clock.” I am not wearing my psychologist hat and analyzing you (at least not any more than the average person does). But these days I have occasionally turned gatherings with friends or colleagues into opportunities to sneak in a little professional research.

These gatherings have been all women, or a mix of men and women. Some of the guests are in partnered relationships, some of them are not. Some of them are long married, some of them newly single, some of them arrive single but leave with a prospective mate by the end of the night! Every type of relationship status or lack thereof is fair game with my research.

I wait until the wine has been flowing and the conversation feels more spirited.

Then I explain that I’m working on a book. And I pose this question:

What has been your most sensual moment?

More often than not, this question is first met with blank stares.

While there have been those folks who dive right in, many people tell me they don’t know what I mean, and can I explain the question further? For some, they know exactly what I’m asking but it feels too private. For others, they need time to brush off the cobwebs in their mind and dive into old memories.

{What can I say, I’m used to asking probing questions that make people squirm a bit. But please don’t be afraid the next time I invite you over.}

I explain to my guests that ‘sensual moment’ is defined as an experience in which you felt heightened awareness of one or all of your senses and this led you to feel particularly present, awake and alive. I remind them that sensual does not necessarily mean sexual, although it can include their sexiest of moments if they so choose.

On a recent night that included men and women from fields ranging from producer to dentist to college professor, these are the themes I heard:

connection to another

current lover

young love

first love

sex

stars

nature

wind

childbirth

biking

snowboarding

mountains

candles

collective grief

music

singing

clarity

presence

thrill

ecstasy

animals

ocean

underwater

hot springs

The question conjures up an array of images and moments. For some the question feels confrontational, for others it feels nostalgic. For everyone who lets themselves ‘go there,’ it feels personal. They are recalling a moment that touched their heart and their livelihood.

I have discovered that many need clarification on what it means to be sensual for two reasons: (1) We are disconnected from our sensual self. The modern day sensuality-killer is the computer, phone and tv screen, after all; (b) We live in a culture that blurs the lines between sensual and sexual. Specifically, we live in a culture that skips over the sensual on its quest for the sexual.

I understand the confusion. As a busybody myself, I’ve had phases in which I couldn’t be bothered to slow down and sense my way through life, let alone notice the food I just wolfed down. Which is why I’m writing a book on sensuality as a portal to pleasure. If we are disconnected from our sensuality we are disconnected from pleasure. Many deprive or deny themselves pleasure, which is a basic human right, because they don’t feel they deserve it. Or they chase pleasure down all the wrong paths, looking for it from things outside of themselves. And when we look for pleasure from other people or other things, without knowing how to be sensual within ourselves first, we tend to get overly attached or seek sexuality from a misdirected place.

These are complicated, nuanced topics. Curious to learn more? Until its published I’ll continue to share segments of my book here on my blog. The title of the book is The Pleasure Is All Mine: Your Path to a Sensual Life. I would love to hear what your most sensual moment has been, should you decide to contribute to scientific research! Anything shared will be confidential.

For now, begin your own experiential process of sensuality and see what pleasures you find. Start by opening your eyes to the acid green lushness of the leaves this spring. Smell the lilacs draping off the bushes. Hear the echo of the grasshoppers at night. Let your bare feet touch the dewey grass. Feel the wind in your hair. Close your eyes as you take your first bite of food. Reunite with the little sensual moments around you.

And begin to feel at home in your body.